Wrote Madeleine

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Wonder what I’m doing, where I’ve been, and where I’m going? This is the spot to check it out.

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The future is dark, which is the best thing the future can be, I think.
— Virginia Woolf

21.12.2018 - ...and she has returned from hibernation?!

It has been a minute, hasn’t it! And by a minute, I mean roughly three weeks worth of minutes, which, though you didn’t want to know, is 30,240 minutes. That’s a long time to be silent. Well, no worries, your favorite ever-wandering-soul is back from her hibernation!

Let’s flash back to November 28, the last time I sent any long thought into the void. Since then, I have secured a postbox - read, PLACE!!!, a temporary job, a group of friends, and finally got my guitar out of storage. A lot can seem to settle in a month’s time, and I’m glad seemingly disparate things have grounded themselves.

I’m lucky to have a place in a lovely area with relatively transport coverage that is not too far from the city for it to be inconvenient. I’m lucky to have friends to make my holiday less lonely as it is the first one I am spending away from home, at least according to my memory. It has not felt like the holidays. Despite the lights traipsing up lampposts and trees, despite the elaborate window displays on Grafton street, and despite the hoards of people flocking the sidewalks, it still has not felt like a holiday. I think this stems from knowing I won’t be cuddling my dogs or hugging my parents or bothering my brother come next week. I will video chat in and hear their voices, see their faces (a wonderful gift from this technology age), but I still won’t be there. There is a lot to being anywhere for any reason, and in this case, I am only partially where I want to be.

This adventure, as I’m blessed to call it, has been filled with potholes as well as cloud partings. I have lost places and opportunities only to find new and better ones coming up next. In the current moment, I cannot pay next month’s rent due to the molasses pace of bureaucracy, but I am looking up. Focusing on the unmanageable and intangible negatives will do nothing except hole me up in my room, and we can agree I’ve hibernated long enough, yes? Do not misunderstand me, the desire I have to crawl into my bed after a long day and binge chocolate and B rated films is HIGH, and yet I have not succumbed to my past tendencies. I can’t tell you what it is. I think it’s the pelting rain hitting my face, my coat getting soaked beyond saving, my shoes developing a permanent squelch. Or it’s the quiet cacophony of the buses I take to work, the stranger willing to pay for my ticket when I was unaware my LEAP card was empty, the walks by row houses under overcast sky. It’s a, ‘pinch me, I swear I am dreaming’ type of thing. Keep pinching me, I don’t know if it will ever set in.

One thing I appreciate about the expiration date on this initial visa: its fleeting existence. So often, I find myself wishing I had held closer to moments I haughtily believed could not disappear. This time constraint doesn’t allow me that complacency; it demands presence.

I’ve been on a date. I’ve done a poetry reading. I traveled truly alone for the first time. I found a job. I’ve developed a new poetic form. It’s wondrous what restraint can create and how useful a driver it can be.

Okay, back to hibernation, I’m trying this thing called ‘here & now,’ apparently life exists off the internet? I’m confused??? :) Thank you always for keeping interest, it means a lot to me.

Enthusiastically,

Madeleine <3

Madeleine Corley